finally - FINALLY! - i'm feeling better!!! i'm still not to 100% but i'm definitely better. this 2nd antibiotic is wonderful! it makes me a bit dizzy, but that's better than the horrid-ness i've been feeling. at least i'm able to do more with abby!!! it doesn't hurt to hold her anymore -- it is a little tender, but not pain. (YAY!) i haven't had a fever since last night. i did wake up at 2:30 with my sheets and blankets absolutely soaked, but i went to bed with a 99.1 fever. nothing in comparison to what i have been having!

so anyway, funny story: last night i was feeling a little better and went to change abby's diaper b/c she had pooped. well, i had forgotten that she hadn't pooped in 3 days. (i've been sick this whole time, remember!) so when i went to open the diaper, i had never seen anything like it! it was up her back, all down her legs, up her front...just nasty! i immeadiately thought: it's time for a bath!!! so i went to take her shirt off as mom filled up her bath tub and proceeded to get it all in her hair. there was just no way around it! i felt so badly for abigail, but after 3 days of no poops, she was feeling MUCH better! :-)

i'm feeling better than i expected about not being able to nurse abigail anymore. it's extremely disappointing, but life throws us crap like that all the time, right? well, since i was feeling a bit better and we now need formula and bottles that are bigger than 3 oz for abigail, robert and i went to target. it was a quick trip which i was thankful for because i started feeling dizzy. i called abby's pediatrician this morning to talk about which formula would be okay for her. what i thought she was tolerating well, she actually wasn't once it came down to having that more than once a day. so i got the recommendation (which was the one i was thinking anyway!!!) and off we go. we get there and 1 can of this stuff is $26!!!!! are you freakin' kidding me?!? and what sucks is that you can't get it at sams or costco. but her digestive system is just not ready for "just anything"...so 26 bucks a can it is. then, on to bottles. i took forever looking for what i thought was best and finally decided on a certain kind that i have NEVER liked but abby seems to do alright on. when we were in our childbirth classes, we won a gift pack with this particular bottle and i thought: "i'll never use this." lo and behold, here i am now buying 9 of these bottles. at 14 bucks a pack, that's $42 for 9 bottles. so $42 for bottles and + $25 for formula....of course my mind goes to: "why won't my body just work?!?!?!?! this is INSANE!" this doesn't really help my getting over not being able to feed my child myself, but what are you gonna do? she has to eat and if her pedi says she can only have a certain kind for now, well, that's it. i then made the mistake of looking at the ingredients. i'm totally floored by the amount of "bad stuff" in it....i know, i know: formula isn't going to hurt her. but there's just so much JUNK in there! and i don't see how it's good for her! but again: just gotta get over that one.

alright. done with my rampage. this may be a harder transition for me than her...

i have never been this sick in my life. honestly. my dr just called in a 2nd antibiotic which takes the drug count up to 4. this is absolutely insane. and i'm so sick of being sick. i want to take care of my own baby rather than having to rely on robert and my mom to do everything. i held her for a few minutes last night but it got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too painful so i had to pass her off to robert. and i think she misses me too. she was very fussy last night before bed and robert just couldn't get her settled. so i finally just pulled her next to me in bed and literally immeadiately, she calmed down and went to sleep! it made me feel good --- my baby misses me as much as i miss her!

the thing that sucks is that my dr said it would probably take another 4-5 days for me to feel better. holy crap.

well, my breastfeeding days are over. completely. i got mastitis again after just 2 weeks of getting over the first round with it. this time was 1000 times worse. so i went to the dr yesterday and apparently abigail has bacterial colonies harboring in her mouth/nose that are causing me to get sick. therefore, i have to give up pumping and/or nursing altogether. obviously i am a complete wreck. i sat in my drs office yesterday absolutely sobbing over the fact that i can no longer feed my child like this. but at the same time, i'm no use to her when i'm this sick and i can't keep getting this sick. at it's highest, my fever was 103.5, my head has been throbbing to the point of i can sit up at all, my whole body aches, and my breasts are so painful that it hurts to wear clothes. and on top of all this, i have to go through the process of drying up my milk. that's no fun either. it's very uncomfortable!

so anyway, things right now are not that great. i'm having a really hard time dealing with this...i am so sick that i can't even take care of my daughter. for the first time in over 24 hrs i'm holding her right now. it's just ridiculous.

so there you go. formula, here we come.

well, miracle of miracles: abigail is now nursing exclusively! she's had 2 bottles in the past 3 days and those are only because we were in the car and i couldn't nurse her while the car was in motion! i decided to take a whirlwind, last minute trip to charlotte for the weekend. it was great!!! we spent time with marsha and michael and i spent the afternoon with wendy and jamie in their new apartment. it was great to see them and i can't wait for their babies to come! well, they need to wait at least 3 more weeks...but then i can't wait to see them!!!

okay, back to the nursing bit. while i'm absolutely ecstatic about her nursing, i am also in an incredible amount of pain. which i know should not be the case. in fact, i'm hurting so much right now that i'm sitting on the bed with a heating pad across my chest while i'm typing just for some pain relief! not good!!! so i am going to a "mommy and me" lactation class tomorrow to see if i can get this pain under control! but SHE'S NURSING!! YAHOO!!!!!

i absolutely HATE these headbands for baby girls. but her aunt sarah is one special aunt so just for her i promised i'd take a picture of abigail in the headband that sarah got her. so here is that picture. (see? abigail hates it too!)

















but then i found a new way to use it! i think this is MUCH better!!!

today we dedicated abigail grace back to the lord! it was a great ceremony where all the grandparents took part! and some very important people in abigail's life were there: aunt erin and uncle dr holz held the flags, nealette came all the way from loganville, sarahbo, aunt freda and uncle gene, irma (grandma hazan) from nextdoor...it was great! here are a few pictures from our day. (abigail's dress was made by robert's cousin out of my wedding dress.)

the past few days i've been dealing with the topic of formula vs breastmilk. it's a really hard topic for me personally. and honestly, i think it's such a personal decision that families make. there's so much information on the obvious benefits of breastmilk! but the formulas that are out there have also come such a long way! i knew when i was pregnant that i wanted to nurse my child...i just didn't know that my child would have other plans and i wasn't really prepared mentally for that scenario. but "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" and i just kinda subconsciously went to plan b: pumping. i've tried getting her to nurse since she's been home quite a few times but she just screams and we both get frustrated. it's a totally different ballgame when you have a preemie. it's really hard to say that without it sounding like an excuse, but it's the truth. and until you have a preemie, you just don't understand the fundamental differences that really are there between a preemie and a full termer. so pumping is what i've been doing to feed my child and up to this point it's been one of the most rewarding things i've ever done in my life. it's something that ONLY I can do for her. it's the best for her. she's thrived well on it. and yet i find myself at a crossroads now.

i have/had mastitis and since then have seen a bit of a dip in my supply. initially, i know that this is normal for when this type of infection rears its ugly head. the difference here is that i am exclusively pumping as opposed to exclusively nursing and that alone puts the longevity of my supply at risk. moms who nurse have a solid supply MUCH longer than moms who pump. babies are way more effective at getting milk out than a pump. and what i've noticed is that for a week or so before i got sick, i noticed some changes in my milk.

fast forward to now: i am on antibiotics which are making abby sick. the meds are getting into my milk and upsetting abigail's tummy. so no problem: just pump and dump what i get (as heart-wrenching as that is) and use some of my frozen milk for a week. except my frozen milk - at least in part - is bad. somehow what i took out to thaw was WAY spoiled. i about lost it!!!i dumped about 24 oz down the sink. honestly, you don't know how hard that is for me to do! even knowing that it is bad!!

so i had to have robert go to the store to pick up some formula for abby just incase i kept running into the problem of sour milk. no, in my heart i don't want abby to have formula until 6 months. but that said, she's had 3 solid months of breastmilk and is doing very well. formula isn't rat poisoning. it's not going to hurt her. and it's such a struggle for me b/c i want to do what's best for her given all the information, circumstances, and sides of the stories. there are those who would chastise me for wanting to stop pumping now (for whatever reason) and then there are those who look at me and wonder how i've managed to stay sane and still pump for as long as i have. but in reality, as i said at the beginning, this is such a personal decision! it's a hard one to make, definitely. and i'm struggling so hard trying to figure out what is best for our situation right now. do i keep going, trying to get my milk back to where it was? do i just go ahead and start formula now? do i pray that what milk was bad was just a fluke and go on with my plan for that? it's really hard to think about and decide upon.

but the bottom line is this: i want what is best for my child. yes, formula is expensive and breastmilk is free. yes formula has it's "cons" but none of them are life-threatening or serious in that way. but i just can't help but think that i am at the point where something's gotta give and that something may be my pumping. what's amazing about this is that i have become so emotionally attached to my pumping that to stop would be incredibly difficult either now or at 6 months!

so here's to hard decisions in the world of motherhood. i just wish that i had the confidence to stand on MY own decisions...

(*let me just say: this is not meant to offend anyone in their views of this topic. i've been accused before of things along those lines but that is not my intention! these are strictly my thoughts about my situation. done.*)

so, i'm sure i'm breaking some kind of internet rule somewhere by doing this without being tagged, but i'm sick and don't feel good and therefore don't have to adhere to rules right now. with that in mind, here we go:

The Rules:
- Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
- Share five random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
- Share the five top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list.
- Tag a minimum of five random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
- Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment in their blog.

The Meme:

5 random/wierd things about me:
1. i count the dashes that make up numbers on a digital clock then see if they equal the sum of the numbers that make up the time. (for example: 4:56 would be 4=4 b/c it has 4 dashes, 5=5 because it has 5 dashes, and 6=6 because it has 6 dashes so the sum of the dashes is 15 and it equals the sum of the time as well. i do this constantly.)

2. i make robert (or someone else if he's not with me) eat a bite of everything on my plate so that if i get sick from food poisoning or whatever, he'll get it too. it's also preventative in my mind somehow...

3. i plan a spot next to my bed and route to the bathroom every night just in case i throw up in the middle of the night. (note: i've never thrown up in the middle of the night.)

4. i love to watch infomercials and believe with all my heart that i need whatever they are selling.

5. i have gotten to the point that i have to have a cup of tea everynight before i go to bed.

Top 5 Places List
1. PARIS! my all-time, number one, must see again place!

2. Australia. always wanted to go but don't think i'll ever make it.

3. Austria. i've always thought it would be really neat to see the alps....

4. Carribbean. we went on a western carribbean cruise for our honeymoon and i would love to do the eastern carribbean one some day.

5. Home. i am really a homebody and would rather be home with my family than anywhere else. however, if my home were in paris....

I TAG:
1. Erin
2. Amanda
3. Kat
4. Sarah Elizabeth
5. Kristina

the good, the bad, and the ugly

the good: got a nice getaway

the bad: got mastitis

the ugly: my left boob

well, i'm back (did you notice i was gone?!). i VERY unexpectedly went to florida on friday with my mom. her plane left at 1:30 and i got my ticket at 10:30! abby and i decided to go with her for the weekend. thought it would be a nice getaway for me since robert had to work this weekend anyway! we had a great time down there despite one minor (okay, MAJOR) problem: i got mastitis. and it's NASTY! last night (while still in florida, mind you) starting at 9:30, i got horrible fever, chills, massive body aches everywhere, throbbing head, and terribly painful left boob with a nice HUGE hot red spot on the underside of it. it KILLS to pump. in fact, i'm sitting here in tears b/c it hurts so much. i am now on antibiotics and am hoping - praying - that the pain goes away. the fever, chills, throbbing head doesn't bother me so much. it's this freakin pain!!!

anyway, went to florida. shocked the crap out of Brenda - she had no idea i was coming and bringing the baby. she about fell out of her seat when she saw me at the airport!! it was priceless!!!! i had no internet while i was there so i was going through serious withdrawl symptoms - especially at 4 last night when i was up not sleeping b/c of the pain!!

abby did a FANTASTIC job on the plane. i was really nervous about having her around that many people but i can't keep her in a bubble forever and her dr said she could be out about 2 weeks ago. so we tried it. and she did great!! mommy, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck!!

but we're back and now i'm ready to crawl under the covers and sleep the night away. i'm in horrible pain (did i mention that already?) and i want to sleep it off!!!

NIGHT!

there are SOOO many advantages to living with my mom right now. 1. it's helping us "save money" (although i don't really understand that one much b/c the house hasn't sold so we're still paying that mortgage. so we're paying for an empty house. how is that helping?) 2. i had a tremendous amount of help when on bedrest. 3. built in babysitter. (WOO HOOO!) but tonight was probably the most amazing night ever and it happened only b/c we live with my mom.

she travels quite a bit. she did cancel all her trips when i went into labor the first time until after abigail was born, which was great, but it got all of us used to her being around the baby. and any of you who have seen her with abigail know that she's TOTALLY addicted to her! so when mom started back at work, it was tough! just because they were so used to being around each other! well, mom went to NCSC Officers' Councils this past week and was gone for 5 days. of course she called everyday wanting to talk to abigail. and i knew that when she got home, abigail would no longer be my child for the next few hours but mom's! what i didn't know was that mom was going to bring abigail in bed with her and keep her ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!! which means that robert and i had a whole night of uninterrupted sleep!!!!!! honestly, you can't get any better than that!!

however, i missed my baby being at my side!!!! i honestly couldn't believe it but i missed having her there. so now it's 6am and i'm up pumping for the first time since 9 pm!!! good in some ways: got GREAT sleep! bad b/c the less you pump/nurse, the less your body makes. i'm gonna have to do some serious pumping today to make up for it ! but man! GREAT SLEEP!!

thanks mom!!!!