well, i've done something that i swore i'd never do. it seems that we have turned into a "co-sleeping family." lately abigail has flat out refused to sleep in her crib and she's too long for her bassinet. she would cry and cry until 5 am most nights unless and until she came into bed with us. this went on for a long time (too long) and we were getting ZERO sleep. i was determined that she was NOT going to sleep in the bed with us...that just asks for trouble later, right?! well, no. not necessarily. i started doing a lot of research and found that co-sleeping would actually be medically and developmentally beneficial to her...for a time. not until she's 3, but for a time. so we bought a co-sleeper and she seems to be doing really well in it. she can see me if she wakes up because she's touching my bed. if i need to, i can pull her in bed with me, which is handy: i don't have to get out of bed. we've had 2 nights of good sleep (relatively speaking. how good of sleep do you really get with an infant?!) and i'm hoping that this new purchase will lead to more and more good nights' sleep.

i had quite a productive day! which is surprising seeing that abigail didn't go to sleep last night until 5 am! i have wanted to make some of these "no sew blankets" for a while and i finally went out today and got the fleece to do it!!! i'm feeling quite proud of myself!!! abigail's is quite a bit larger than i thought it would be but she'll be able to use it for a long time. mine is really big which is great cause i love oversize blankets! (and i love the retro look!) here's my final products:

abigail's blanket:













mommy's blanket:

it's no secret that i have been exclusively pumping for abigail instead of nursing her. well, that means that i have to pump and freeze milk b/c 1) when she was in the NICU she didn't eat a lot and 2) i pump more than she eats at one time. so today i decided i would take a look and see how much i have in there. i thought maybe somewhere around 100 oz. i've been pumping for 2 months...i thought that was a good guess. no....i have at least 572 oz of milk frozen in my deep freezer!! and i say "at least" because i multiplied the 143 bags by the amount in the smallest bag: 4 oz. but there are probably more than half of the bags in there that have closer to 6 oz in them! and the crazy thing is that i am still adding to this stash! just this morning i added another 24 oz!!!

what am i going to do with all this milk!??!

i'm not a morning person. (understatement of the year.) i hate mornings. i hate having to get out of bed unless i'm good and ready to...which usually falls around 11am. HOWEVER! waking up to abby's coos and talking then looking over her crib and seeing her playing (okay, sometimes crying, too) first thing in the morning is AMAZING! i absolutely love it!!! and i didn't realize this until today when i didn't get to do it. robert got her up b/c i was otherwise indisposed being a milk machine. so i missed my morning hello from my baby.

she makes mornings bearable. that's a big deal!

so we got a TON of snow today (well, a lot for us!) so we decided to bundle abby up in about 12 layers of clothes (the top one being a 6 month outfit!) and take her out for a minute. daddy made a snowman for her and we took pics of us with her. then, we heard our neighbors yelling at us and out they came taking pics of the 3 of us in the snow!!! hopefully i'll get those soon....

Abigail loves her Uncle Dr. Holz

To say that i have been frustrated with nursing/pumping is a HUGE understatement! i have known since before i was pregnant that i wanted to breastfeed. abigail, however, has had other plans! we have spent the last 2 months trying to figure this whole thing out. for something that is supposed to be so "natural", it's freakin' hard! she would get very frustrated when i tried to get her to latch on and in turn, i would get frustrated. the lactation consultants in the NICU were of some help, but never really sat down and showed me what to look for in her latching and sucking and what's right and what's wrong. i was also told that since she's a preemie, she may never get it. she had a feeding tube for so long and went straight to the bottle that she just may not get it. needless to say, i was very disappointed but determined to either pump every 3 hrs (which wasn't my favorite idea) or get this whole nursing thing to work once and for all. at abigails 2 month check up, her dr and i talked about our nursing problems and he put me in contact with the lactation consultants and peidmont hospital. to be honest, at first thought, i didn't think it would do any good. but i thought i'd give it one last try -- after all, they are only 5 minutes from my house as opposed to the LCs at Emory Eastside (where i delivered) being an hour away. so today i had my appt. i was excited for it - when i spoke with the LC on the phone last week, she was very positive and, after hearing my situation with a preemie, told me that this isn't insurmountable. that was the first time i had heard that clearly. so i went to this appointment with an open mind but hopes not too high. i got there, undressed abby down to a clean diaper and we weighed her. then the moment of truth: time to get her to latch. and amazingly she took to it right away!! she nursed off and on for an hour and a half taking about 1 1/2 oz total!!! it took everything in me not to turn into a puddle of tears on the floor!!! the LC said that she was doing very well, especially for her first time really nursing effectively. she said that probably within a week, abigail will be nursing exclusively!! i have done one other feeding since being home - she nursed for half of it and took the bottle for the other half. i am so excited!!!!

we still have some "preemie issues" to overcome in regards to nursing, but all in all i now know that as long as i put the time and effort into it (and patience!), abigail will get it! she proved today that she CAN do it! she just needs to learn that she now has to work for her food!!!!

for your viewing pleasure


"i like to sleep...during the daytime!"

"check it out! i've got a hand!!"

"my daddy sure is funny!!"

"i like taking naps with daddy, too!"

so today is abigail's due date!!! very strange to think that she was "supposed" to be here today....and she's 2 months and 2 days old!!!!!!!!!

why are some decisions so hard to make? i've been struggling with one in particular for the last 2 weeks. well, it's been longer than that, but the intense part of it has been 2 weeks. i'm constantly fighting with myself over what to do, who to listen to, how to go about this, etc. i get varying opinions and suggestions -- who do i listen to? everyone has a different take on MY situation...even the "experts" have different takes! what is right? which road is the right road? i think it is quite possibly THE most frustrated i've ever been in my life....

okay, so since i have a minute now, i can put down a bit more of my thoughts from this weekend. during these weekends, i usually am the most excited about seeing my friends that i don't get to see but a few times a year. however, this year was different. there's something about being a mom that makes everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, be seen in a different light. i have never really taken a minute to really read the words that i am singing on these weekends. i am usually just trying my best to read the music! but this weekend, 2 songs stood out to me and have been playing over and over and over in my mind. the chorus of the first one:

you are my rock, my rock eternal
you are my source and inspiration
the joy of my salvation
the rock on which i stand
you are my rock, my rock eternal
you are my only sure foundation
the hope of every nation
the rock on which i stand

and the second one (with a few words missing here and there, these are my favorite lines):

be still and know that i am god
the god who gave my only son to you...
...though waters may roar and mountains may shake
and danger fills your heart with deep despair
with faith and hope and love you'll find me through your prayers
and know that i am near
...keep faith...my wonders never cease

it amazes me when i look back over what i and my family have been through the past 3 - 4 months. things i never thought i'd ever have to deal with. things that have been the scariest of my life. and yet look at where we are now! and while, yes, a lot of this has to do with abigail, there are other parts of my life that god has been near to. that he has proven to me again and again that "he is near" and always has been! i hate it when i look back over these times and realize that it's my fault i was so lost. but that's the truth. i was the one who moved. not him. but i also love it when i look back and realize that even though i was the one who moved, he stayed right with me, beckoning me to come back and just be with him. and it amazes me that he not only "allows" it, he WANTS it! he wants me!!!

i look at abigail and feel such a tremendous amount of love for her. love that i never really could understand until i saw her. and i know in those moments that god loves me just like that. no matter what. isn't that amazing?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

well, it's been quite a weekend. territorial band & songsters rehearsals was this weekend and i have NEVER been as exhausted as i am right now. that includes 48+ hrs of labor and delivering abigail. these weekends tire me out as they are, but add in a 2 month old who wakes up every 2 hrs at night and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster!! it was great to see everyone - andy, connie, wendy, and jamie came over for dinner on thursday night. that was fun....and wendy looks FABULOUS! i can't wait for those babies to pop out!!!!!

abigail is doing well. we have her 2 MONTH check up on thursday! she's 2 months already! i can't believe it! she's around 6 lbs...we'll find out exactly on thursday. she also gets her first round of immunizations then. i can't believe how time has flown by! she has her days and nights mixed up still...which is a bit frustrating, but under normal circumstances (ie. no marathon rehearsals) i can deal with that alright. that said, i can't wait for her to get that straight and sleep longer stents! she is beginning to smile on purpose at things which is amazing to see. she knows who i am....which i LOVE! yesterday i went to get her up out of her bed to feed her a bottle and she looked straight at me and smiled. i melted right there!!! yes, i'm a sappy mom!

other than that, starting tomorrow morning we are learning a new normal in our house. robert and mom are both going back to work and it's life as usual....plus abigail! so we will be establishing our new normal and i can't wait! i work better on routines and schedules so i'm excited about this.

well, that's about it for now. i'm still tired - even though i had a HUGE nap when i got home this afternoon.