okay, so since i have a minute now, i can put down a bit more of my thoughts from this weekend. during these weekends, i usually am the most excited about seeing my friends that i don't get to see but a few times a year. however, this year was different. there's something about being a mom that makes everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, be seen in a different light. i have never really taken a minute to really read the words that i am singing on these weekends. i am usually just trying my best to read the music! but this weekend, 2 songs stood out to me and have been playing over and over and over in my mind. the chorus of the first one:

you are my rock, my rock eternal
you are my source and inspiration
the joy of my salvation
the rock on which i stand
you are my rock, my rock eternal
you are my only sure foundation
the hope of every nation
the rock on which i stand

and the second one (with a few words missing here and there, these are my favorite lines):

be still and know that i am god
the god who gave my only son to you...
...though waters may roar and mountains may shake
and danger fills your heart with deep despair
with faith and hope and love you'll find me through your prayers
and know that i am near
...keep faith...my wonders never cease

it amazes me when i look back over what i and my family have been through the past 3 - 4 months. things i never thought i'd ever have to deal with. things that have been the scariest of my life. and yet look at where we are now! and while, yes, a lot of this has to do with abigail, there are other parts of my life that god has been near to. that he has proven to me again and again that "he is near" and always has been! i hate it when i look back over these times and realize that it's my fault i was so lost. but that's the truth. i was the one who moved. not him. but i also love it when i look back and realize that even though i was the one who moved, he stayed right with me, beckoning me to come back and just be with him. and it amazes me that he not only "allows" it, he WANTS it! he wants me!!!

i look at abigail and feel such a tremendous amount of love for her. love that i never really could understand until i saw her. and i know in those moments that god loves me just like that. no matter what. isn't that amazing?