so i'm home. vacation was great...except my husband wasn't with me. there are pros and cons to not having a job. taking vacation without your husband is a definite con. it did, however, provide some much needed rest and relaxation. just for clarification: not having a job does not automatically equal rest and relaxation. quite the contrary, actually. the past few months have been such a roller coaster of emotions. it's been so nice traveling with robert. but at the same time, i've lost a sense of who i am and where i belong. my life is so wonderful: i have an incredible husband whom i love dearly and who loves me, i have a thousand blessings all around me and yet in the middle of all that, i find myself somewhat overwhelmed with life. i get frustrated with myself for not being able to see and accept the wonderful things god has for me. i keep asking myself why i can't just be content. but that's the thing: i am content. in some aspects. but there are some where i want to scream!

maybe i want to be something i'm not. maybe i'm expecting too much. but then again...

do you ever feel like you're trying to grasp something that is just out of your reach and every time you get close enough to touch it, it moves again? that's how i feel right now. the problem is, i'm not 100% sure of what it is i'm trying to grasp.

i know this doesn't make much sense, but there's something about sending this out to the void. so goodnight, void. your presence has been helpful.

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after i posted, i found this on jamie's site.

Hearing Gods Music
by Max Lucado

Let's imagine that you want to learn to dance. Being the rational, cerebral person you are, you go to a bookstore and buy a book on dancing. You take the book home and get to work. Finally, you think youve got it, and you invite your wife to come in and watch. You hold the book open and follow the instructions step by step. You even read the words aloud so shell know that youve done your homework. Lean with your right shoulder, and so you lean. Now step with your right foot, and so you step. Turn slowly to the left, and so you do.

You continue to read, then dance, read, then dance, until the dance is completed. You plop exhausted on the couch, look at your wife, and proclaim, I executed it perfectly.

She extends her hand and the music begins. The next thing you know, you are dancing and you dont even have the book.We Christians are prone to follow the book while ignoring the music. We master the doctrine, outline the chapters, memorize the dispensations, debate the rules, and stiffly step down the dance floor of life with no music in our hearts. We measure each step, calibrate each turn, and flop into bed each night exhausted from another day of dancing by the book.Dancing with no music is tough stuff.

Let God have you, and let God love you and dont be surprised if your heart begins to hear music youve never heard and your feet learn to dance as never before.

~ Max Lucado ~