identity.

i've been alone in my office all day today. 2 co-workers have come and gone in a matter of 30 minutes, but other than that, i've been here alone. it's good and bad, really. i get a lot done when no one is here, usually. but ironically enough what i have to do today i need some help on. so that will have to wait until tomorrow. this "lack of work" allows me time to go through and catch up on some blog reading. and so here i go....

when i first started this site, its sole purpose was to post pictures for our family to see. then i got started writing stupid stuff that just came into my head. i made a pact with myself not to put intensely personal details on this site. mainly because the people who need to know my personal, intimate details will find out directly from my mouth, with my voice, and more than likely in person whenever possible.

but as i read through some people's sites i've noticed more and more how deep some people are...or at least post. my mind takes me to 2 places with that: 1) they really are deep and are posting for themselves and 2) they are just trying to be someone they aren't and are posting to get the approval of fellow bloggers. now, it really doesn't matter which one of those scenarios anyone is, or if they fit into another scenario. it's their site and that's that.

but lately i've become challenged by the things that i am reading...whether really real or superficial. sure, i have thoughts that can be just as deep as the next person, but the fact that i don't post them for the world to see means nothing. however, i've started thinking about my own thoughts and where my heart is and such.

robert said something to me sunday night that hit me pretty hard. he was talking about my identity and where i find that. i was thinking about it and i got chills, to be perfectly honest. i talked to mom about it and she confirmed what i was thinking: my identity should not come from anything but jesus. anything else becomes an idol. whether it's a job, a spouse, a dream, whatever. our identity should not come from that. our identity should be rooted in christ. and if it isn't, what is it rooted in?

i've been thinking about that for a few days now. it's pretty scary when you take a real hard look that. or at least for me it has been. i don't want my identity in anything but jesus, but am i willing to invest what it takes to do it? which makes me think of a thousand other things paths my mind could go down.

when my brother was killed, psalm 13 was my "psalm of choice"...meaning it was the one scripture that i could identify with at that point in my life.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.

lately i have felt alone and forgotten. much like i did when brock died. but different, too. this time it isn't because of some major tragedy in my life. i'm am coming to believe that this time it is because i have forgotten. forgotten my identity and whos i am.

so now that i know what the problem is, am i willing to do my part in fixing the problem?

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." -- Phil. 4:4-7