Tuesday, May 09, 2006


i've been alone in my office all day today. 2 co-workers have come and gone in a matter of 30 minutes, but other than that, i've been here alone. it's good and bad, really. i get a lot done when no one is here, usually. but ironically enough what i have to do today i need some help on. so that will have to wait until tomorrow. this "lack of work" allows me time to go through and catch up on some blog reading. and so here i go....

when i first started this site, its sole purpose was to post pictures for our family to see. then i got started writing stupid stuff that just came into my head. i made a pact with myself not to put intensely personal details on this site. mainly because the people who need to know my personal, intimate details will find out directly from my mouth, with my voice, and more than likely in person whenever possible.

but as i read through some people's sites i've noticed more and more how deep some people are...or at least post. my mind takes me to 2 places with that: 1) they really are deep and are posting for themselves and 2) they are just trying to be someone they aren't and are posting to get the approval of fellow bloggers. now, it really doesn't matter which one of those scenarios anyone is, or if they fit into another scenario. it's their site and that's that.

but lately i've become challenged by the things that i am reading...whether really real or superficial. sure, i have thoughts that can be just as deep as the next person, but the fact that i don't post them for the world to see means nothing. however, i've started thinking about my own thoughts and where my heart is and such.

robert said something to me sunday night that hit me pretty hard. he was talking about my identity and where i find that. i was thinking about it and i got chills, to be perfectly honest. i talked to mom about it and she confirmed what i was thinking: my identity should not come from anything but jesus. anything else becomes an idol. whether it's a job, a spouse, a dream, whatever. our identity should not come from that. our identity should be rooted in christ. and if it isn't, what is it rooted in?

i've been thinking about that for a few days now. it's pretty scary when you take a real hard look that. or at least for me it has been. i don't want my identity in anything but jesus, but am i willing to invest what it takes to do it? which makes me think of a thousand other things paths my mind could go down.

when my brother was killed, psalm 13 was my "psalm of choice"...meaning it was the one scripture that i could identify with at that point in my life.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.

lately i have felt alone and forgotten. much like i did when brock died. but different, too. this time it isn't because of some major tragedy in my life. i'm am coming to believe that this time it is because i have forgotten. forgotten my identity and whos i am.

so now that i know what the problem is, am i willing to do my part in fixing the problem?

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." -- Phil. 4:4-7


Sheri said...

what a struggle...i'm going through similar thoughts. i hold you in my heart during this rough time, don't hesitate to call.

which brings me to my next thought, i did see your comment and will call you later tonight. i haven't checked my voicemail in awhile...sorry!

and finally, i wonder the same thing about people and the intensity of their postings...sometimes mine can be somewhere i wasn't intending to go while others it's like i'm on top of the world. i wonder if some people use their blog as a way to express who they are afraid to be in person. they could feel more comfortable getting all deep and philosophical when there is no one to challenge them to their face. just a thought.

me, i love writing, sharing my thoughts with no one in particular and everyone at the same time. when i write, i write to get the thoughts off my mind and don't think about who might read it. sometimes i don't even put my thoughts on my blog but in my journal (which would read the same way). it just depends on where i am and if i'm in a typing or writing mood. usually a typing mood cause i HATE my handwriting!!! :-)

anyway, just some thoughts. only a couple more weeks until we reunite!!!

Anonymous said...

Last night, Lorelai and Luke got into because he has postponed the wedding and she ran off to Christopher and the last scene was her laying in bed with Christopher. Rory is still with Logan and he just left for England for a whole year ( I don't think he will stay the whole time though.) It was intense and sad...but VERY GOOD... too bad we don't live closer I have the whole show on DVD Seasons 1-5...Loveyou! -Robin

Anonymous said...

Yes~ let's definitely plan on doing that, I am obsessed with this show.. I am hoping now that Season 6 is over they will come out with the DVD set soon! We'll see!

sarah said...

i understand....identity is something that i think everyone has to struggle with eventually. unless they're one of those really irritating people who have never questioned who they are, what their purpose is and how the things in their life have molded them into the adult version they are today.

the idea that we were created for the sole purpose of having an intimate relationship with the God of the universe kind of puts it in perspective for me. i am re-reading 31 days of prayer by warren and ruth myers, and that has been what's spoken to me so far through the forward and introduction. i have to sit back and say....you know, that's right. everything else on the periphery is just a benefit for me, or a way that God chooses to accomplish his will through me, if i'm willing to stand aside and let him work [despite me].

not my job, not my husband, not my children, my church programs, even the things that i might be the most passionate about.....bottom line - that's not WHY God created me. i was created to have a love-love relationship with the almighty. and what could be more satisfying than fulfilling that?

i guess things can only seem more satisfying on the surface when i am not nearly on the level of intimacy that i should be with God.,,when i am not living and breathing for him, through him...prayer as a lifestyle...sacramental living. only then can these other things gain such importance and cause me to lose sight of who [and whose] i really am.

God has made you for that purpose, because he delights in your company. how amazing is that? he chose to allow your prayers to change the way he moves. he covets your time and your attention, there is no greater way for you to spend it.

i love you. our friendship is a blessing. God's hand is on you and the spirit is with you during these times.

can't wait to see you.

Anonymous said...

Jill-are you a gilmore girls fan? -christina