so i had a check-up at the doctor today...wasn't pretty. they told some things that i did not want to hear. i had tests done and won't get the final results until thursday, but my doctor is 99% sure of what's going on.

while all this isn't life-threatening or as bad as some people have it, it's bad enough for me and robert. and while i'm trying so hard not to take the "victim" role, i can't help but think that i've gone through enough up to this point! am i going to ever be able to have smooth waters for any length of time? it seems like if someone isn't dying, someone is being held up at gunpoint or if that's not happening, someone is having medical issues. there is just always something. and i know that everyone has their own issues they go through. i'm not trying to have a pity party for myself. it's just that this news today really threw me for a loop and is trying its best to discourage me right now. i know, also, that god is in control of everything. as the author of life he knows mine from beginning to end and back again -- but sometimes its just so hard to have faith.

lord, i want to believe. help me in my unbelief.