Saturday, March 11, 2006

not quite arbitrary musings

so this past week has been one HUGE learning experience in my marriage. we came upon a situation that, in my opinion, begged for trouble. it really started almost a year ago, but this week it just popped up again out of no where. i've been having trouble with this situation, personally, because it has caused me to feel like i can't trust someone who is essentially my family. i love this person very much. and although we don't talk very often and don't see each other a lot, i have always thought of this person as family. those of you who know me, know how i feel about my family: there is nothing more important to me than my family. so here i am, trying to figure out a way for all of us to be friends that can all trust each other. but, as robert said, we aren't going to be able to do that until this person and i have a face-to-face conversation with each other and talk it out completely. i hate how things are right now. we are not friends and i have had to ask for no communication between us and this person until both sides are ready to really talk this out. but how do you do that? how do you cut people out of your life? how do you ask friends to not talk?

this week has made me stop and think how marriage really changes everything. far beyond just living with someone and learning what kind of toothpaste they use and why they throw socks on the floor. your whole outlook has to change. you can't relate to people the same way you once did. and all your relationships have to be re-evaluated. this may seem extreme...but without boundaries, scary things can happen. everything begins innocently, doesn't it? but i have to protect my marriage. i have to be a good steward of what god intrusted to me. and if i don't trust someone, i have to act on that.

i want desperately for this to be different. i want to be able to sit down and talk, really talk, with this person. i want them to know my heart on this. i want for us to be able to put this behind us and walk a new path of friendship -- a trusted, loving, and open friendship between all 3 of us.

for now, the ball is out of my court. i feel like i've gone back and forth between so many different feelings for so long that i'm probably the only one who even cares anymore. i know there are so many other more important things going on in all of our lives, but i just can't be satisfied with this how it's been left. am i completely mental????

1 comment:

sarah said...

no, you are not completely mental. praying for you....and trsuting that God is already at work in the hearts of all 3 involved.

love.