Sunday, April 15, 2007

Robert comes home tonight! i am so excited!!! i always hate it when he's gone, but this week has been especially bad. like i said earlier, it's been an extremely emotional, stressful week. and it doesn't help that he's out of town. i did alright through the week. work was good and mom was able to stay with me. then friday came and april and i hung out and stayed up talking until midnight. that was fun. i woke up at 7:30 the next morning in anakin's bed then came home and went to sleep in my own bed! woke up at 4:00pm. yeah, needed the sleep! then i went out with erin and another friend. it was nice to just have some down time. when erin and i got back to her house, since i was crashing there, we stayed up until 5:00am just talking and laughing, having ourselves a marvelous time! i havent' stayed up that late since high school!!! but it was so nice friday and saturday to just be able to talk adult conversation and be myself.

this weekend is our marriage enrichment weekend with the corps. i am so looking forward to that. it'll be so nice to leave some stuff behind at home and be able to focus on just me and robert. no phones. no computer. no tv. no nothing! (how's that for good grammar!) i'm very excited about it!

when we come home we have our first appointment with our reproductive endocronologist. i am very nervous about this appointment. it will tell us which direction we are definitely going: infertility treatment or adoption. right now it's looking like adoption. i'm hoping and praying that the RE will have something up his sleeve that we haven't heard or read about.

it's so hard for me b/c people tell me that i am obsessed with this whole "baby thing". that i need to just relax and move on. but what people don't realize is that while it's very easy to just say "oh, relax", the bottom line is that we are facing the very real possibility that we will never be able to have our own children. at first that possiblity seemed so unreal. but now it is literally staring us in the face. basically, our RE appointment is a 2nd opinion to my ob/gyn's findings.

at this point i feel so alone. no one (except maybe my sister-in-law - but even her situation was different) understands what i am going through. no one understands how incredible difficult this is for me and how badly my heart is breaking. all people see is what comes across as an "obsession" with having a baby. but people don't go to my doctor's appointments and hear my doctor's words to me. people don't understand that this is probably the most difficult thing that i have had to deal with up to this point in my life.

so there you go. there's my update. i'm trying my best to still praise the lord in my trials. i am trying so hard to give up my "isaac". i want so badly to be able to trust in his plan for my life. but right now, everything seems so dismal and dark...and hopeless.

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