so today i have been married 500 days! wow.
i found out today that someone else i know is pregnant. that makes about 10 people that i know who are pregnant. while one part of me is happy for them, there's another part of me that is screaming inside! and i hesitate to write this on here because this is just the kind of thing that people can take and twist up. but oh well. we are going for our first infertility testing consultation next week. it's been a year since we have been trying to get pregnant. i did have a miscarriage in september, but something isn't right. i went shopping with erin today for her baby stuff and literally had to walk out of the store because i was getting too emotional. and i am so tired of hearing "once you stop trying, that's when it will happen!" shut up! i've heard every one of the little cliched sayings that people have. but until you have walked in my shoes of wanting a child so badly and trying for so long just to get pregnant then lose it then to keep NOT getting pregnant, i don't want to hear the sayings.
this is such a battle of faith for me. the logical side of me says that it will happen when it happens. when God is ready for us to have children. the emotional/heart side of me is screaming and crying at the fact that i have no children - or am not even pregnant - yet. it is so hard for me to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing. i just keep screaming in my heart "Lord, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:25)
well, back to the daily grind...