alright, so here i am about to get real deep....maybe.

so you all know that work isn't quite what i'd like it to be. (to say the least.) it's been rough here for the past month and a half or so. i feel like i'm not given the room to do what i was hired to do. i feel like other people in this office who have been here much longer than me are stepping all over what my responsibilities are. and in some ways, that's sort of understandable: they've been here longer, they grew up in YL, they know the ropes. that being said, i've been here 5 months now. this is a SMALL office and i think i know what i'm doing by now. apparently other people here think differently.

anyway, moving on. today i got a call from my boss who proceeded to tell me that he and another co-worker of mine were "talking about me" the other night. the comment was made that if (and i quote) "snelson worked everyday like she has the past few days, our area would double in size. the problem is that we never know what she is going to be like from day to day. one day she's fine, the next day she's not." (end quote.) now, for those of you who know me, you know that i can be like that. however, when i am here at the office, i have made every effort to not be up-and-down. to be somewhat leveled out and calm, productive, non-emotional. yes, it's hard for me. but here's the thing: i don't feel like i can be myself here. and that's the bottom line...at least for right now. i feel like everything - EVERYTHING - i do is scrutinized to the bone and criticized without regard to me as a person. and frankly, i'm not too sure how i feel about that.

this is a christian organization. shouldn't we work with our co-workers as such? it seems like so much, if not all, of our energy is used up in making the kids, parents and donors (and let's not forget the committee!) of our area happy that we lose sight of the people who work in this office. believe me when i tell you that anything will be done to make these people happy. we literally have to bend over backwards and kiss our own butts if they want. and honestly, i understand that. these people are who we serve. these are the ones with the financial gifts that keep us going. so i understand completely how important it is to keep them happy. what bothers me is that as much as this office, collectively, wants to work as a team, we don't. everyone wants to be a "family" and yet we treat each other in a way that does not reflect that. and the "veteran" employees are the ones who get the benefit of the doubt. which means that i, being a newbie, am not given the freedom or opportunity to do what i was hired to do.

so what's the bottom line? it's evident that i don't want to be here. it's evident that this is much harder than it has to be. but question is this: what do i do about it?

last week in band we started working on phil's "i surrender". we sang it last night during practice. and as much as i want to be able to say that with full conviction, it gets harder and harder for me. this mess at work has gotten me so completely down that i don't feel good about myself anymore. about who i am. i'm not even "allowed" to be me at work. i feel it at home. i feel it with my relationship with robert. poor guy - he has become my human punching bag...on a daily basis. and that's not fair. i want so much to be able to sing these words and leave my stuff at the feet of Jesus, but i so often find myself picking it right back up again.

so here, as a reminder yet again:

i surrender my life to your blood
i surrender my name for your glory
i surrender my heart to your will
i surrender my dreams to the plans you have for me
thank you for showing me the emptiness of all i've held onto
i surrender it all
i surrender my everything to you