okay, so i tried this in november but was completely interrupted by my daughter's impatience to come into this world. so we're gonna try this again!!!! the theme of april's nablopomo is LETTERS. so off we go....

home, sweet, home!!!

we had a FABULOUS time with leon, carlene, and their 5 million kids! (okay, just 4, but it might as well be 5 million!!!) it was great to see leon again and great to meet carlene (finally) and the kids. abigail did AMAZINGLY well on the 8 hr car ride. i honestly couldn't believe how well she did!! not one peep from her on the whole way up! on the way home she started fussing at north druid hills. i mean, seriously, you can't ask for better!!!

but, we were in kentucky, which means one thing:



all in all, a FABULOUS weekend!

amanda, if you EVER give me important news like that again, i'll walk to waycross and kick your tail!!!!! but...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you!!!!

some pictures from our trip to florida



on the plane ride down. she's such a GREAT traveller!!

getting ready for the outdoor wedding!!!

posing with mommy by the water


posing with her jojo by the water....

abigail's first dance!!

our morning ritual!!!

abby is 4 months old!!!! where does the time go?! i just got home from her 4 month check up and she is doing really well! she is 10 lbs even! we have hit double digits!!!! she is 21 1/2 inches long and her head is 15 1/2 inches circumference. she's not on the charts with height and weight but is on the charts (3rd %??) with the head circumference. my child has a big head! she got 5 shots and the rotovirus oral vaccine and got really pissed off with the shots! i know it's bad but it made me laugh. it always makes me laugh. i guess i saw much worse in the NICU and she did fine with those that to see her get to upset at these shots is just kinda funny. plus she does this lower lip thing where she pouts it out and it totally cracks me up! i know i'm a terrible mother to laugh at her expense but i can't help it!!!

she is a little behind this time. she's doing some 4 month stuff (holding her head up when being held, putting a good amt of weight on her feet, etc) but she's not doing others (reaching for toys, holding her head up while on her tummy). her pedi said hes not worried yet b/c she IS doing some things and does those very well (she showed off quite well for him today!) and that b/c she's early, she has a bit of a grace period. so i'm happy with that.

he said that while her weight gain is great, he wants her to gain more to kinda play catch up since she is still so small. so he changed her to neosure formula - which, of course, is the expensive stuff. he did give me 3 big bottles of it and is going to see if he can get me a case of it. apparently he can do that with multiples, but he's not sure about preemies. hopefully he can. along those lines, she is NOT to start solids until at least 6 months, and probably after that...but when she does i'll be making her food instead of buying jarred food.

i can't believe she's 4 months old!!! seriously, where does the time go?!

2nd post in one day. WOW!!!

today ended up SO much better than yesterday! my dr appt went well, with the exception of high blood pressure due to stress (or so my dr says! and i completely believe her!). after my appt, i walked across the breezeway to see dr ahmed. i've tried 3 times before to see him, but he's never been there. i've heard from nealette that he's been wanting to see abigail, so i thought i'd try again. well, he finally showed up!!!! he was very pleased with how abigail is progressing. he played with her a bit and saw how she can stand with assistance, hold her head up all by herself very well, how she talks to us and mimics facial expressions that we make. he said that she is doing amazingly well. i was SO pleased by that! honestly, i needed to hear that! it seems like everytime i get discouraged in my faith, god comes back and gives me a out-of-the-blue reason to fully trust him. even though we are financially struggling, my daughter is healthy and thriving. and honestly, which is more important? i'd much rather be severely in debt with abigail healthy than to have all the money in the world and her be sick.

lord, forgive my anger. thank you for showing yourself to me today. thank you for taking care of my daughter...and for taking care of my family; even when it seems like we are on our own, we aren't really. we are just on a journey of learning to trust you more. teach me.

abby and dr ahmed

Abigail is still sleeping - we are almost 10 1/2 hrs into this sleep stretch! - and i really should be getting ready since she's sleeping and i have to be at the dr at 11, but i can't bring myself to get ready. i'm tired. i haven't been sleeping well the past few nights. this weekend was horribly stressful over stupid stuff. (well, half stupid, half not stupid!) actually, forget this weekend: LIFE has been horribly stressful!! i know, life isn't easy. but it would be nice to get a few breaks in between the insane hard-ness of it all, sometimes. i feel myself getting angry with God. that's not good. i talked to my aunt on the phone last night for over an hour. she called to talk about something completely different but we ended up talking about all the crap that robert and i are dealing with right now. it helped b/c she and i are so much alike it's scary yet she can still see things clearly b/c she's not in the middle of the situation. robert was great letting me talk to her - even though abby was going crazy. i just feel like a break would be nice. for just a minute. but then i feel guilty b/c half of america is going through the same thing we are! why should we be any different? i just feel like we've tried so hard for so long to just be not only no better off, but worse off!!! that just doesn't make sense to me.

anyway. here endeth the senseless rambling. my beautiful daughter is starting to stir...

We took Abigail to the park for the first time today! Here are pictures!

finally - FINALLY! - i'm feeling better!!! i'm still not to 100% but i'm definitely better. this 2nd antibiotic is wonderful! it makes me a bit dizzy, but that's better than the horrid-ness i've been feeling. at least i'm able to do more with abby!!! it doesn't hurt to hold her anymore -- it is a little tender, but not pain. (YAY!) i haven't had a fever since last night. i did wake up at 2:30 with my sheets and blankets absolutely soaked, but i went to bed with a 99.1 fever. nothing in comparison to what i have been having!

so anyway, funny story: last night i was feeling a little better and went to change abby's diaper b/c she had pooped. well, i had forgotten that she hadn't pooped in 3 days. (i've been sick this whole time, remember!) so when i went to open the diaper, i had never seen anything like it! it was up her back, all down her legs, up her front...just nasty! i immeadiately thought: it's time for a bath!!! so i went to take her shirt off as mom filled up her bath tub and proceeded to get it all in her hair. there was just no way around it! i felt so badly for abigail, but after 3 days of no poops, she was feeling MUCH better! :-)

i'm feeling better than i expected about not being able to nurse abigail anymore. it's extremely disappointing, but life throws us crap like that all the time, right? well, since i was feeling a bit better and we now need formula and bottles that are bigger than 3 oz for abigail, robert and i went to target. it was a quick trip which i was thankful for because i started feeling dizzy. i called abby's pediatrician this morning to talk about which formula would be okay for her. what i thought she was tolerating well, she actually wasn't once it came down to having that more than once a day. so i got the recommendation (which was the one i was thinking anyway!!!) and off we go. we get there and 1 can of this stuff is $26!!!!! are you freakin' kidding me?!? and what sucks is that you can't get it at sams or costco. but her digestive system is just not ready for "just anything"...so 26 bucks a can it is. then, on to bottles. i took forever looking for what i thought was best and finally decided on a certain kind that i have NEVER liked but abby seems to do alright on. when we were in our childbirth classes, we won a gift pack with this particular bottle and i thought: "i'll never use this." lo and behold, here i am now buying 9 of these bottles. at 14 bucks a pack, that's $42 for 9 bottles. so $42 for bottles and + $25 for formula....of course my mind goes to: "why won't my body just work?!?!?!?! this is INSANE!" this doesn't really help my getting over not being able to feed my child myself, but what are you gonna do? she has to eat and if her pedi says she can only have a certain kind for now, well, that's it. i then made the mistake of looking at the ingredients. i'm totally floored by the amount of "bad stuff" in it....i know, i know: formula isn't going to hurt her. but there's just so much JUNK in there! and i don't see how it's good for her! but again: just gotta get over that one.

alright. done with my rampage. this may be a harder transition for me than her...

i have never been this sick in my life. honestly. my dr just called in a 2nd antibiotic which takes the drug count up to 4. this is absolutely insane. and i'm so sick of being sick. i want to take care of my own baby rather than having to rely on robert and my mom to do everything. i held her for a few minutes last night but it got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too painful so i had to pass her off to robert. and i think she misses me too. she was very fussy last night before bed and robert just couldn't get her settled. so i finally just pulled her next to me in bed and literally immeadiately, she calmed down and went to sleep! it made me feel good --- my baby misses me as much as i miss her!

the thing that sucks is that my dr said it would probably take another 4-5 days for me to feel better. holy crap.

well, my breastfeeding days are over. completely. i got mastitis again after just 2 weeks of getting over the first round with it. this time was 1000 times worse. so i went to the dr yesterday and apparently abigail has bacterial colonies harboring in her mouth/nose that are causing me to get sick. therefore, i have to give up pumping and/or nursing altogether. obviously i am a complete wreck. i sat in my drs office yesterday absolutely sobbing over the fact that i can no longer feed my child like this. but at the same time, i'm no use to her when i'm this sick and i can't keep getting this sick. at it's highest, my fever was 103.5, my head has been throbbing to the point of i can sit up at all, my whole body aches, and my breasts are so painful that it hurts to wear clothes. and on top of all this, i have to go through the process of drying up my milk. that's no fun either. it's very uncomfortable!

so anyway, things right now are not that great. i'm having a really hard time dealing with this...i am so sick that i can't even take care of my daughter. for the first time in over 24 hrs i'm holding her right now. it's just ridiculous.

so there you go. formula, here we come.

well, miracle of miracles: abigail is now nursing exclusively! she's had 2 bottles in the past 3 days and those are only because we were in the car and i couldn't nurse her while the car was in motion! i decided to take a whirlwind, last minute trip to charlotte for the weekend. it was great!!! we spent time with marsha and michael and i spent the afternoon with wendy and jamie in their new apartment. it was great to see them and i can't wait for their babies to come! well, they need to wait at least 3 more weeks...but then i can't wait to see them!!!

okay, back to the nursing bit. while i'm absolutely ecstatic about her nursing, i am also in an incredible amount of pain. which i know should not be the case. in fact, i'm hurting so much right now that i'm sitting on the bed with a heating pad across my chest while i'm typing just for some pain relief! not good!!! so i am going to a "mommy and me" lactation class tomorrow to see if i can get this pain under control! but SHE'S NURSING!! YAHOO!!!!!

i absolutely HATE these headbands for baby girls. but her aunt sarah is one special aunt so just for her i promised i'd take a picture of abigail in the headband that sarah got her. so here is that picture. (see? abigail hates it too!)

















but then i found a new way to use it! i think this is MUCH better!!!

today we dedicated abigail grace back to the lord! it was a great ceremony where all the grandparents took part! and some very important people in abigail's life were there: aunt erin and uncle dr holz held the flags, nealette came all the way from loganville, sarahbo, aunt freda and uncle gene, irma (grandma hazan) from nextdoor...it was great! here are a few pictures from our day. (abigail's dress was made by robert's cousin out of my wedding dress.)

the past few days i've been dealing with the topic of formula vs breastmilk. it's a really hard topic for me personally. and honestly, i think it's such a personal decision that families make. there's so much information on the obvious benefits of breastmilk! but the formulas that are out there have also come such a long way! i knew when i was pregnant that i wanted to nurse my child...i just didn't know that my child would have other plans and i wasn't really prepared mentally for that scenario. but "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" and i just kinda subconsciously went to plan b: pumping. i've tried getting her to nurse since she's been home quite a few times but she just screams and we both get frustrated. it's a totally different ballgame when you have a preemie. it's really hard to say that without it sounding like an excuse, but it's the truth. and until you have a preemie, you just don't understand the fundamental differences that really are there between a preemie and a full termer. so pumping is what i've been doing to feed my child and up to this point it's been one of the most rewarding things i've ever done in my life. it's something that ONLY I can do for her. it's the best for her. she's thrived well on it. and yet i find myself at a crossroads now.

i have/had mastitis and since then have seen a bit of a dip in my supply. initially, i know that this is normal for when this type of infection rears its ugly head. the difference here is that i am exclusively pumping as opposed to exclusively nursing and that alone puts the longevity of my supply at risk. moms who nurse have a solid supply MUCH longer than moms who pump. babies are way more effective at getting milk out than a pump. and what i've noticed is that for a week or so before i got sick, i noticed some changes in my milk.

fast forward to now: i am on antibiotics which are making abby sick. the meds are getting into my milk and upsetting abigail's tummy. so no problem: just pump and dump what i get (as heart-wrenching as that is) and use some of my frozen milk for a week. except my frozen milk - at least in part - is bad. somehow what i took out to thaw was WAY spoiled. i about lost it!!!i dumped about 24 oz down the sink. honestly, you don't know how hard that is for me to do! even knowing that it is bad!!

so i had to have robert go to the store to pick up some formula for abby just incase i kept running into the problem of sour milk. no, in my heart i don't want abby to have formula until 6 months. but that said, she's had 3 solid months of breastmilk and is doing very well. formula isn't rat poisoning. it's not going to hurt her. and it's such a struggle for me b/c i want to do what's best for her given all the information, circumstances, and sides of the stories. there are those who would chastise me for wanting to stop pumping now (for whatever reason) and then there are those who look at me and wonder how i've managed to stay sane and still pump for as long as i have. but in reality, as i said at the beginning, this is such a personal decision! it's a hard one to make, definitely. and i'm struggling so hard trying to figure out what is best for our situation right now. do i keep going, trying to get my milk back to where it was? do i just go ahead and start formula now? do i pray that what milk was bad was just a fluke and go on with my plan for that? it's really hard to think about and decide upon.

but the bottom line is this: i want what is best for my child. yes, formula is expensive and breastmilk is free. yes formula has it's "cons" but none of them are life-threatening or serious in that way. but i just can't help but think that i am at the point where something's gotta give and that something may be my pumping. what's amazing about this is that i have become so emotionally attached to my pumping that to stop would be incredibly difficult either now or at 6 months!

so here's to hard decisions in the world of motherhood. i just wish that i had the confidence to stand on MY own decisions...

(*let me just say: this is not meant to offend anyone in their views of this topic. i've been accused before of things along those lines but that is not my intention! these are strictly my thoughts about my situation. done.*)

so, i'm sure i'm breaking some kind of internet rule somewhere by doing this without being tagged, but i'm sick and don't feel good and therefore don't have to adhere to rules right now. with that in mind, here we go:

The Rules:
- Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
- Share five random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
- Share the five top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list.
- Tag a minimum of five random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
- Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment in their blog.

The Meme:

5 random/wierd things about me:
1. i count the dashes that make up numbers on a digital clock then see if they equal the sum of the numbers that make up the time. (for example: 4:56 would be 4=4 b/c it has 4 dashes, 5=5 because it has 5 dashes, and 6=6 because it has 6 dashes so the sum of the dashes is 15 and it equals the sum of the time as well. i do this constantly.)

2. i make robert (or someone else if he's not with me) eat a bite of everything on my plate so that if i get sick from food poisoning or whatever, he'll get it too. it's also preventative in my mind somehow...

3. i plan a spot next to my bed and route to the bathroom every night just in case i throw up in the middle of the night. (note: i've never thrown up in the middle of the night.)

4. i love to watch infomercials and believe with all my heart that i need whatever they are selling.

5. i have gotten to the point that i have to have a cup of tea everynight before i go to bed.

Top 5 Places List
1. PARIS! my all-time, number one, must see again place!

2. Australia. always wanted to go but don't think i'll ever make it.

3. Austria. i've always thought it would be really neat to see the alps....

4. Carribbean. we went on a western carribbean cruise for our honeymoon and i would love to do the eastern carribbean one some day.

5. Home. i am really a homebody and would rather be home with my family than anywhere else. however, if my home were in paris....

I TAG:
1. Erin
2. Amanda
3. Kat
4. Sarah Elizabeth
5. Kristina

the good, the bad, and the ugly

the good: got a nice getaway

the bad: got mastitis

the ugly: my left boob

well, i'm back (did you notice i was gone?!). i VERY unexpectedly went to florida on friday with my mom. her plane left at 1:30 and i got my ticket at 10:30! abby and i decided to go with her for the weekend. thought it would be a nice getaway for me since robert had to work this weekend anyway! we had a great time down there despite one minor (okay, MAJOR) problem: i got mastitis. and it's NASTY! last night (while still in florida, mind you) starting at 9:30, i got horrible fever, chills, massive body aches everywhere, throbbing head, and terribly painful left boob with a nice HUGE hot red spot on the underside of it. it KILLS to pump. in fact, i'm sitting here in tears b/c it hurts so much. i am now on antibiotics and am hoping - praying - that the pain goes away. the fever, chills, throbbing head doesn't bother me so much. it's this freakin pain!!!

anyway, went to florida. shocked the crap out of Brenda - she had no idea i was coming and bringing the baby. she about fell out of her seat when she saw me at the airport!! it was priceless!!!! i had no internet while i was there so i was going through serious withdrawl symptoms - especially at 4 last night when i was up not sleeping b/c of the pain!!

abby did a FANTASTIC job on the plane. i was really nervous about having her around that many people but i can't keep her in a bubble forever and her dr said she could be out about 2 weeks ago. so we tried it. and she did great!! mommy, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck!!

but we're back and now i'm ready to crawl under the covers and sleep the night away. i'm in horrible pain (did i mention that already?) and i want to sleep it off!!!

NIGHT!

there are SOOO many advantages to living with my mom right now. 1. it's helping us "save money" (although i don't really understand that one much b/c the house hasn't sold so we're still paying that mortgage. so we're paying for an empty house. how is that helping?) 2. i had a tremendous amount of help when on bedrest. 3. built in babysitter. (WOO HOOO!) but tonight was probably the most amazing night ever and it happened only b/c we live with my mom.

she travels quite a bit. she did cancel all her trips when i went into labor the first time until after abigail was born, which was great, but it got all of us used to her being around the baby. and any of you who have seen her with abigail know that she's TOTALLY addicted to her! so when mom started back at work, it was tough! just because they were so used to being around each other! well, mom went to NCSC Officers' Councils this past week and was gone for 5 days. of course she called everyday wanting to talk to abigail. and i knew that when she got home, abigail would no longer be my child for the next few hours but mom's! what i didn't know was that mom was going to bring abigail in bed with her and keep her ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!! which means that robert and i had a whole night of uninterrupted sleep!!!!!! honestly, you can't get any better than that!!

however, i missed my baby being at my side!!!! i honestly couldn't believe it but i missed having her there. so now it's 6am and i'm up pumping for the first time since 9 pm!!! good in some ways: got GREAT sleep! bad b/c the less you pump/nurse, the less your body makes. i'm gonna have to do some serious pumping today to make up for it ! but man! GREAT SLEEP!!

thanks mom!!!!

well, i've done something that i swore i'd never do. it seems that we have turned into a "co-sleeping family." lately abigail has flat out refused to sleep in her crib and she's too long for her bassinet. she would cry and cry until 5 am most nights unless and until she came into bed with us. this went on for a long time (too long) and we were getting ZERO sleep. i was determined that she was NOT going to sleep in the bed with us...that just asks for trouble later, right?! well, no. not necessarily. i started doing a lot of research and found that co-sleeping would actually be medically and developmentally beneficial to her...for a time. not until she's 3, but for a time. so we bought a co-sleeper and she seems to be doing really well in it. she can see me if she wakes up because she's touching my bed. if i need to, i can pull her in bed with me, which is handy: i don't have to get out of bed. we've had 2 nights of good sleep (relatively speaking. how good of sleep do you really get with an infant?!) and i'm hoping that this new purchase will lead to more and more good nights' sleep.

i had quite a productive day! which is surprising seeing that abigail didn't go to sleep last night until 5 am! i have wanted to make some of these "no sew blankets" for a while and i finally went out today and got the fleece to do it!!! i'm feeling quite proud of myself!!! abigail's is quite a bit larger than i thought it would be but she'll be able to use it for a long time. mine is really big which is great cause i love oversize blankets! (and i love the retro look!) here's my final products:

abigail's blanket:













mommy's blanket:

it's no secret that i have been exclusively pumping for abigail instead of nursing her. well, that means that i have to pump and freeze milk b/c 1) when she was in the NICU she didn't eat a lot and 2) i pump more than she eats at one time. so today i decided i would take a look and see how much i have in there. i thought maybe somewhere around 100 oz. i've been pumping for 2 months...i thought that was a good guess. no....i have at least 572 oz of milk frozen in my deep freezer!! and i say "at least" because i multiplied the 143 bags by the amount in the smallest bag: 4 oz. but there are probably more than half of the bags in there that have closer to 6 oz in them! and the crazy thing is that i am still adding to this stash! just this morning i added another 24 oz!!!

what am i going to do with all this milk!??!

i'm not a morning person. (understatement of the year.) i hate mornings. i hate having to get out of bed unless i'm good and ready to...which usually falls around 11am. HOWEVER! waking up to abby's coos and talking then looking over her crib and seeing her playing (okay, sometimes crying, too) first thing in the morning is AMAZING! i absolutely love it!!! and i didn't realize this until today when i didn't get to do it. robert got her up b/c i was otherwise indisposed being a milk machine. so i missed my morning hello from my baby.

she makes mornings bearable. that's a big deal!

so we got a TON of snow today (well, a lot for us!) so we decided to bundle abby up in about 12 layers of clothes (the top one being a 6 month outfit!) and take her out for a minute. daddy made a snowman for her and we took pics of us with her. then, we heard our neighbors yelling at us and out they came taking pics of the 3 of us in the snow!!! hopefully i'll get those soon....

Abigail loves her Uncle Dr. Holz

To say that i have been frustrated with nursing/pumping is a HUGE understatement! i have known since before i was pregnant that i wanted to breastfeed. abigail, however, has had other plans! we have spent the last 2 months trying to figure this whole thing out. for something that is supposed to be so "natural", it's freakin' hard! she would get very frustrated when i tried to get her to latch on and in turn, i would get frustrated. the lactation consultants in the NICU were of some help, but never really sat down and showed me what to look for in her latching and sucking and what's right and what's wrong. i was also told that since she's a preemie, she may never get it. she had a feeding tube for so long and went straight to the bottle that she just may not get it. needless to say, i was very disappointed but determined to either pump every 3 hrs (which wasn't my favorite idea) or get this whole nursing thing to work once and for all. at abigails 2 month check up, her dr and i talked about our nursing problems and he put me in contact with the lactation consultants and peidmont hospital. to be honest, at first thought, i didn't think it would do any good. but i thought i'd give it one last try -- after all, they are only 5 minutes from my house as opposed to the LCs at Emory Eastside (where i delivered) being an hour away. so today i had my appt. i was excited for it - when i spoke with the LC on the phone last week, she was very positive and, after hearing my situation with a preemie, told me that this isn't insurmountable. that was the first time i had heard that clearly. so i went to this appointment with an open mind but hopes not too high. i got there, undressed abby down to a clean diaper and we weighed her. then the moment of truth: time to get her to latch. and amazingly she took to it right away!! she nursed off and on for an hour and a half taking about 1 1/2 oz total!!! it took everything in me not to turn into a puddle of tears on the floor!!! the LC said that she was doing very well, especially for her first time really nursing effectively. she said that probably within a week, abigail will be nursing exclusively!! i have done one other feeding since being home - she nursed for half of it and took the bottle for the other half. i am so excited!!!!

we still have some "preemie issues" to overcome in regards to nursing, but all in all i now know that as long as i put the time and effort into it (and patience!), abigail will get it! she proved today that she CAN do it! she just needs to learn that she now has to work for her food!!!!

for your viewing pleasure


"i like to sleep...during the daytime!"

"check it out! i've got a hand!!"

"my daddy sure is funny!!"

"i like taking naps with daddy, too!"

so today is abigail's due date!!! very strange to think that she was "supposed" to be here today....and she's 2 months and 2 days old!!!!!!!!!

why are some decisions so hard to make? i've been struggling with one in particular for the last 2 weeks. well, it's been longer than that, but the intense part of it has been 2 weeks. i'm constantly fighting with myself over what to do, who to listen to, how to go about this, etc. i get varying opinions and suggestions -- who do i listen to? everyone has a different take on MY situation...even the "experts" have different takes! what is right? which road is the right road? i think it is quite possibly THE most frustrated i've ever been in my life....

okay, so since i have a minute now, i can put down a bit more of my thoughts from this weekend. during these weekends, i usually am the most excited about seeing my friends that i don't get to see but a few times a year. however, this year was different. there's something about being a mom that makes everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, be seen in a different light. i have never really taken a minute to really read the words that i am singing on these weekends. i am usually just trying my best to read the music! but this weekend, 2 songs stood out to me and have been playing over and over and over in my mind. the chorus of the first one:

you are my rock, my rock eternal
you are my source and inspiration
the joy of my salvation
the rock on which i stand
you are my rock, my rock eternal
you are my only sure foundation
the hope of every nation
the rock on which i stand

and the second one (with a few words missing here and there, these are my favorite lines):

be still and know that i am god
the god who gave my only son to you...
...though waters may roar and mountains may shake
and danger fills your heart with deep despair
with faith and hope and love you'll find me through your prayers
and know that i am near
...keep faith...my wonders never cease

it amazes me when i look back over what i and my family have been through the past 3 - 4 months. things i never thought i'd ever have to deal with. things that have been the scariest of my life. and yet look at where we are now! and while, yes, a lot of this has to do with abigail, there are other parts of my life that god has been near to. that he has proven to me again and again that "he is near" and always has been! i hate it when i look back over these times and realize that it's my fault i was so lost. but that's the truth. i was the one who moved. not him. but i also love it when i look back and realize that even though i was the one who moved, he stayed right with me, beckoning me to come back and just be with him. and it amazes me that he not only "allows" it, he WANTS it! he wants me!!!

i look at abigail and feel such a tremendous amount of love for her. love that i never really could understand until i saw her. and i know in those moments that god loves me just like that. no matter what. isn't that amazing?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

well, it's been quite a weekend. territorial band & songsters rehearsals was this weekend and i have NEVER been as exhausted as i am right now. that includes 48+ hrs of labor and delivering abigail. these weekends tire me out as they are, but add in a 2 month old who wakes up every 2 hrs at night and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster!! it was great to see everyone - andy, connie, wendy, and jamie came over for dinner on thursday night. that was fun....and wendy looks FABULOUS! i can't wait for those babies to pop out!!!!!

abigail is doing well. we have her 2 MONTH check up on thursday! she's 2 months already! i can't believe it! she's around 6 lbs...we'll find out exactly on thursday. she also gets her first round of immunizations then. i can't believe how time has flown by! she has her days and nights mixed up still...which is a bit frustrating, but under normal circumstances (ie. no marathon rehearsals) i can deal with that alright. that said, i can't wait for her to get that straight and sleep longer stents! she is beginning to smile on purpose at things which is amazing to see. she knows who i am....which i LOVE! yesterday i went to get her up out of her bed to feed her a bottle and she looked straight at me and smiled. i melted right there!!! yes, i'm a sappy mom!

other than that, starting tomorrow morning we are learning a new normal in our house. robert and mom are both going back to work and it's life as usual....plus abigail! so we will be establishing our new normal and i can't wait! i work better on routines and schedules so i'm excited about this.

well, that's about it for now. i'm still tired - even though i had a HUGE nap when i got home this afternoon.

Questions that need to be answered!!! (thanks erin!)

Can you cry under water?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? What happens to that extra penny?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON tv?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is "bra" singular and " panties" plural?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
Which no decent human being would eat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
But when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Snelson's Christmas Morning

Merry Christmas!! Love, Abigail

hello out there!

just wanted to say hi.

well, we made it!!!! i'm sitting here pumping and typing listening to my daughter coo in her crib! it's incredible!!!! here are pictures from today --- ENJOY!!!

ABIGAIL IS COMING HOME!!!!! robert and i are rooming in tonight and tomorrow and bringing her home with us on wednesday!!! her dr did her discharge exam today and he said she looks perfect! WOO HOOOO!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
paper - definitely

2. Real tree or artificial?
REAL ONE!!!

3. When do you put up the tree?
I wish the day after Thanksgiving. no choice about that!

4. When do you take the tree down?
The day after new years.

5. Do you like eggnog?
it's the most disgusting stuff in the world!!!

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
honestly, i'm not sure. i don't have a "stand out" favorite one...wierd...

7. Do you have a Nativity scene?
yep

8. Hardest person to buy for?
robert

9. Easiest person to buy for?
right now? abigail!!!

10. Worst Christmas Gift you ever received?
hmmmm....refer to question 6

11. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mail...definitely

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
in my family, we have a couple traditions that HAVE to be watched at least twice during the season: White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street (the new one), The Young Messiah, Frosty the Snowman, and Rudolph (and the island of the misfit toys!!). those were in no particular order.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
uh....well.....whenever i get around to it. this year? not happening at all!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
probably somewhere along the line

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Meemaw rolls when we get to GA! (gotta go with Trish on this one!)

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
clear....as a kid i liked colored but now i can't stand them!

17. Favorite Christmas song?
any from The Young Messiah (which is basically The Messiah a little more contemporary-like)

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
now that i'm married, travel

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixon, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph. (trish, i'm disappointed.)

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
i grew up with an angel, but right now we have a cross

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
christmas morning....but we used to do ONE present christmas eve

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
hmmm...i'm gonna go with stupid people the day after thanksgiving that think they have to be horribly mean to others just to get something at a discount.

23. What is the 'corniest' family tradition you do, or miss doing?
growing up, the first night our tree was up, we would sleep in front of it on palattes on the floor and sing 2 songs: "if it doesn't snow on christmas" and "i like to turn the lights all out". we didn't do it this year....and i really missed it!!

24. Ugliest Christmas Decoration ever invented?
too many to name right now!

25. Which looks best theme trees or homey trees?
family tree all the way! there's nothing better than reliving memories with all the handmade ornaments from when we were kids!

26. Gingerbread or sugar cookies?
i actually like both -- but this time of year i'll go with gingerbread

27. Do you like Fruitcake?
Nope. refer to question 5

just to update:

abigail is doing much better. thank you to all who have prayed for her since before she was born until now! her infection is getting better - her blood work shows it's down to 3.1 from 6.5 yesterday. this is fabulous news! she's taking all her feeds by bottle right now - not her feeding tube - and hopefully she'll continue that as they increase her feedings back up to full feeds. (a full feed for her is 37 ccs, right now she's at 15ccs. one ounce is about 30 ccs just for reference.) she will be on 2 antibiotics for the next 7 - 10 days and then hopefully things will be back to where she was before she got sick. the dr likened it to when we get colds or the flu and we are down for a few days then we feel better and have another little bit when we've done too much and need to go back to bed until we're completely better. thankfully she's responding to the meds so well that right now a blood transfusion is taken out of the equation for now. but mom is going to donate some blood for abigail just in case she does end up needing it later on.

again, thank you for all your prayers. if you want to keep up daily (or however) with how she's doing and pictures, you can visit her website that i update daily HERE.

i know i haven't posted on here in a while. and even this post is mainly a copy of what i've already done elsewhere. but i am asking for prayer for abigail. things are pretty rough for her (and us) right now. i copied my journal entry from last night (from her website) so that you can know a little better how to pray. i do understand that there are those of you out there who don't care (no, those comments are not forgotten) and if that is you, just ignore this post. but for those of you who do care - and i KNOW that's a lot of you!!! - please take a minute and read this then pray for abigail. she is really needing prayers right now! thank you!!!

well, today was filled with much anxiety, nervousness, and freaking out! i called this morning to let abigail's nurse know that i was on my way and asked how abigail was doing. she says to me "abby's just not herself. we'll talk when you get here." so of course i'm freaking out the whole way up! apparently she had been screaming bloody murder for a while and NOTHING would soothe her. this is not like her! she's usually very happy and when she cries, it doesn't take much to comfort her. when i got there, abigail was very upset and i just grabbed her and held her. dr ahmed was late coming in today b/c he had a drs appt but as soon as he got there he looked at her and agreed that something wasn't quite right. he ordered a CBC and another type of blood thing. the CBC came back normal but the other one came back the slightest bit high (5 or above would show concern, hers was 1.4.) he asked if i had seen any changes in her and i said ABSOLUTELY! we went over what i have seen in her (low energy, very lethargic, not alert, pale, brady epidodes, desat episodes, etc) and with my observations added to his chart stuff, he decided to go ahead and start some antibiotics and move her back into the more intensive care nursery. he put her on a nasal canula to help with her desats, took her off feedings for the next few days, put an IV back in, and told us to prepare ourselves for a blood transfusion tomorrow. he also took a chest x-ray to make sure her lungs were doing alright. it looked great. so that was good.

so we moved her into the other room and when they were about to start her IV, lisa (her nurse - one of my favorites) said it would probably be better if i waited outside. well, i just fell apart at that! i didn't want to leave abigail. so she made an exception to their rule and let me stay, after all i had been with abigail all day long at this point! it took 4 sticks to get her IV going. the nurses tried 3 times and finally went and got dr ahmed to do the 4th one. abigail is so worn out that she really didnt' even flinch at the first 3 sticks. it wasn't until the 4th that she cried. i was really happy to hear that cry, though! it meant that she realized what was going on!!!

all in all, dr ahmed said there is no threat to her life right now. this is normal preemie stuff. he told us that ALL DAY LONG! and i believe him. it's just wierd and scary for us right now b/c we haven't had any of this before. i am completely wasted and exhausted from today. i have been an emotional wreck since before i got there! then just going through the whole thing was overwhelming. i didn't want to leave her at all tonight, but i know i need to rest up and take care of myself as well. but i just want to be with her at her bedside. they did let me hold her for all but about 1 1/2 hrs of the 8 hrs i was there. that was comforting.

so there's my update. i have a peace that she is going to be okay. i know she will. this is just something that she is going to have to go through. and it is normal. just pray for her to make it through this time as quickly as possible and that she will be back to her normal self soon. and for strength for me and robert as we walk this with her.